I'm diving into my current life changes and I'm sad, hopeful, excited, and scared. Last week my fears became a reality when I was forced to make the heartbreaking decision to stop all live performances because I may be needing vocal surgery. (Pending verdict.)
I felt like an injured athlete. I felt crushed beneath the weight of my worst case scenario thoughts. I knew this was coming, I tried to ignore it like an impending doom. I was going through the five stages of grief when I had to remind myself that temporary obstacles don't = permanent outcomes. I'll be taking a break from playing live so my vox can heal and focusing on releasing my album. I was lucky enough to do what I love most for a living for three years. The whole don't cry because it's over smile because it happened thing is easier said than done but it is so damn true.
This new job as a middle school fitness teacher has helped me tremendously. I feel fulfilled working with the youth. I thank my lucky stars I have more passions than just music to help me navigate through myself and live an artistic and fiery life . Im grateful to have a loving supportive family who believe in me even when I'm down. I'm happy to have the skills and knowledge I need to turn my heartbreak into a positive opportunity for growth and change.
One thing I've learned from my constant desire to be better is - whenever I make a big life change like quitting a shitty job, leaving an unhealthy relationship, quitting alcohol, starting a new fitness routine, quitting meat, etc.... the feelings I have are always the same.
At first I feel liberated, I feel free, amazing, I think clearly, I feel the weight lifted from my chest.
And then - inevitably I question myself, why am I doing this? It's so much easier to stay, or to continue doing what I was doing, my body starts to detox and I feel like shit. I grieve my old self. I miss her. She was careless. But she was not well. I question if I made the right decision. But I don't give up. Mostly because I'm stubborn and DETERMINED to be the person that does what they say they are going to do. I stick to my guns even if I hate myself temporarily.
And then I start to bloom. The results start to sink in and feel more permanent. The struggle fades. I feel deeply satisfied and happy with my life change no matter how hard it was, my mind shifts and the payoff proves itself. I'm on cloud nine. I'm better than I was yesterday. I prove myself to myself. The change is complete and the struggle is over. For now. Until the next. Right now I'm in the first stages of change with transitioning into a plant based diet and also taking a break from live performances. No matter how hard it is, I know this too shall pass.
You can plan anything in the world but you can't plan the outcome. "You can plan a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather." Just when you feel on top of the world the universe has a silly way of humbling you and bringing you back to center. I thank the universe for presenting me with all of life's obstacles that I can turn into opportunities for growth. I thank you all for your continuous support. I've shifted my focus but I haven't changed my vision. I'll be releasing another song very soon. Stay tuned.